The Worst Music in the World
Back when I worked in Center City Philadelphia, I frequented a pizza joint that inexplicably switched their lunchtime musical accompaniment from top 40 to WJJZ, Philadelphia’s smooth jazz station. It was truly unbearable. And I got the sense that WJJZ understood that most people can’t bear to listen to this stuff; instead of filling the airwaves with unrecognizable compositions from nameless musicians, WJJZ spent most of its time playing smoothed out renditions of popular songs. It was as if to say, “hey! You love the Four Tops, right! This is just like that but smoooooth!” And it was garbage.
It was so bad, in fact, that I stopped patronizing what was once my favorite lunch spot. I wasn’t trying to prove a point to anyone. I just couldn’t stomach it. And it was then that I boldly determined smooth jazz to be THE WORST MUSIC IN THE WORLD.
Of course, when you call something the worst ANYthing in the world, you’re casting a wide net. In this case, my claims assumes that I’ve heard (and have an intimate understanding) of every music ever made and that, based on this knowledge, I have determined smooth jazz to be the worst music of all time. Obviously, I’ve not heard everything ever made and I’m not even intimately familiar with every single type of music I have heard. Mistakes will be made and I’m willing to admit that yes, I have made a mistake.
The worst music in the world is not smooth jazz. It’s a capella music. Actually, it’s not ALL a capella music. In fact, some a capella songs are devastatingly beautiful. But I’m at a loss for a proper name for whatever the shit this is (if you can handle it, be sure to stick around until at least 1:12):
What are we calling this? Glee club music? Ball-less vocal exercises by white people in cargo shorts? Whatever the fuck it is, it needs to stop. More examples:
This is the most soul-less shit I’ve ever heard in my entire life. And there seems to be a sense of humor surrounding this stuff that is unique to whatever this is. The crowd absolutely loves it when someone does something that they’ve apparently pre-determined is a funny thing, like dancing with the “beat boxer.” Or cursing. It’s fucking awful. And what’s with the dancing? And and and…
I just can’t stomach any sort of music without some sort of soul to it. This stuff is similar to smooth jazz in that sense. It takes the source material and removes the grit and grime from it. It extracts every drop of personality and leaves behind this shiny object that you can’t touch or connect with anymore. And it’s a pointless exercise. You mean to tell me that there’s a Dirty Projectors fan in this world who just wishes they’d go without those pesky guitars and drums? Was Hall and Oates just too much for someone to handle?
All of you: behave yourselves and just stop it. Now.
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