20
Jul
Staying Single: Skirts and Gum
Filed Under I Am An Idiot, Music, Staying Single
This is an oldie. It’s not a goodie. And while it may start as a glorious tale of “I knew this band way before anyone else did,” it certainly ends in a flaming pile of “this dude is a goddamn shithead.”
By 1998, I had developed an addiction to mail ordering records from Insound. It seemed that with every Great Adventure paycheck came a package of new music for me to obsess over. Many of my purchases were heavily influenced by Insound’s staff as I’d pour over their recommendations, seeking out specific descriptors that would trigger an immediate purchase. And what they had to say about Death Cab for Cutie and Flake Music sounded pretty great.
So I ordered Something About Airplanes and When You Land Here, It’s Time To Return and, as usual, Insound was right. In fact, Flake Music would eventually change its name to The Shins and become America’s best (current) rock band. And Death Cab For Cutie would eventually, well… they’d eventually get kinda boring and absolutely huge. But I became quickly obsessed with Airplanes and the “Prove My Hypothesis b/w Wait” 7″ (a performance of which I’ll post below as they are still among my favorite DCFC songs), and the following year found me making cassettes of these records for anyone who cared to listen to them.
My friend Jeff cared and when we heard that the band would be playing Upstairs at Nick’s in Philly, we jumped on the opportunity to show some support. It was my first 21+ show and DCFC opened for American Analog Set. I had many of their songs memorized for optimal lip-syncing and was very excited to finally see this new favorite band.
When we arrived, however, it became painfully obvious that Jeff and I were the only people there to see the opening act. Or the only people not physically repulsed by them, for that matter. DCFC began and the room emptied, leaving just us and those who were tied to their drinks and desperately wishing they could leave. It was mildly embarrassing and we felt horrible. After their set (which was excellent), we spent some time chatting with the band to ensure that they knew how much we enjoyed their music and I bought a tee shirt that was 2 sizes too big (because 21 year old me had decided he wore extra large shirts).
With topics for discussion seemingly depleted and heading towards “so, what kind of tuning did you use on such-and-such song,” it was time to say our goodbyes to the band. When we turned and made our way towards the back of the club, however, we noticed two things: 1) Nick’s had an arcade machine and 2) a pretty girl had actually stuck around to watch the band and was now sitting next to said arcade machine. Obviously, it was time to play some video games.
I took the joystick closest the girl who was actually leaning against the machine. From where I was standing, I could see only her bare knees poking out to my left. She was either wearing a skirt or no pants at all. I assumed the former and fought the urge to double-check. Jeff and I played a few rounds while American Analog Set was positioning their equipment on stage. I was having fun and was beating Jeff when I SPIT MY GUM ON THE PRETTY GIRL.
To be fair, I actually dropped it on her. Straight from my open mouth. I had looked down at the joystick for a moment and allowed the gum to escape. It made an unlikely journey past the arcade machine below and landed directly on pretty girl’s bare legs before falling to the floor. My face flared red and I began to lose the game on purpose so that the it would end quickly and we could GET THE SHIT OUT OF THERE. Pretty girl felt something and began to investigate. I imagine the revelation went like this:
Man, these guys are terrible… who plays video games at a show? And why is that guy wearing an extra large shir… wait, what was that? What just hit me on my leg? I don’t see anything on my leg. Maybe it’s on the floor. Oh, there’s something. Wait, is that… is that GUM? DID THIS MORON JUST SPIT GUM ON ME? HE JUST SPIT GUM ON ME. WHERE IS MY MACE AND/OR MY INHUMANLY LARGE BOYFRIEND?!
We escaped before being maced and/or pummeled. I became a mint enthusiast.
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ok, i haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. now everyone who sits around me thinks i’m losing it (which i am).
also, for future reference, never play video games at a bar if you’re trying to woo a lady.
I think I’ll start with trying to not spit chewed gum on a lady I’m trying to woo and then work my way towards not playing video games in front of her. Baby steps.