1
Jul
Assholes Have the Right of Way
Filed Under I Am An Idiot
I get uppity over the dumbest things sometimes. I mean, I guess everyone has their pet-peeves. But I feel like mine are massively silly and will likely serve as the basis for my being institutionalized. Like, I REALLY HATE wedge shoes of any kind. An “E-A-G-L-E-S, EAGLES” chant at a Phillies game. Or even when people use the words “natch” or “vacay” instead of “naturally” and “vacation.” It all gets my goat, makes me lose sleep at night, and makes me certifiably insane.
But here’s another one: I go absolutely nuts when a person acts as though he is doing you a favor when he’s merely doing what he’s supposed to do as a normal, thinking human being. I’m not doing a good job in describing exactly what I mean, so here is an example…
I went to get a haircut on Saturday, an errand that involved me taking a bus to Center City. As I walked the half block towards the bus stop, I noticed that the street was unusually packed. Our normally quiet street now had a line of cars stretching a couple of blocks in the lane directly in front of me. I struggled to see if traffic was being blocked further up the road when I noticed that there was a band performing in the park to my right. And there seemed to be a general commotion about the area, as though I was happening upon some sort of small festival. I assumed the event in the park and the crowded street were related. I was wrong.
I waited at a red light in anticipation of crossing the busy street to get to my stop. When my light turned green, I stepped into the street and was stopped short by a car running his red. I was mad, but thought very little of it while I made another attempt at making it to the other side. I took another step and found myself now blocking yet another driver who didn’t want to wait her turn. She slammed on her brakes, looked at me, and WAVED ME ACROSS as if to say, “FINE, I GUESS YOU CAN GO INSTEAD EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY ANYWAY AND I’M JUST A STUPID JERK. YOU’RE WELCOME.” And this is where I got stupid.
Standing in the middle of the street and in front of the car, I began to point at the driver. I then pointed at the red light, as if to say, “THAT ONE IS YOURS. IT MEANS YOU STOP.” I pointed to myself next, and then drew her attention to my green light. “THIS MEANS I WALK NOW.” And then I stood there, staring at this woman who looked as though she wanted to be anywhere else in the world but right there, until I received a yellow and I made my way across the rest of the street.
There was an older woman behind me, and she followed me to the other side. When we made it to our bus stop (SAFELY, THANK GOD), she waved at me to get my attention. She then pointed at the line of cars behind us, which of course included the woman who was just GIVEN A FREE LIFE LESSON COURTESY OF MY ANGRY GESTURING (you’re welcome), and said this:
“That’s a funeral procession.”
Yep, I had just pantomimed a bitch-out session at a mourner as she struggled to stay close to the other cars in the funeral procession of a loved one.
I’d say we can chalk that one up as a “low point.” And now I have a new pet-peeve: daytime running lamps.
Comments
2 Responses to “Assholes Have the Right of Way”
Leave a Reply
Oh my god, I really just LOL’d at that.
Also, I have to voice my agreement at the idea of shortened words being irritating. I’ve gotten called an old lady amongst my peers at work for scoffing at their use of such atrocious abbreviations as:
ProjRun (Project Runway)
The Jharoke (The Jharoka)
The sub (the subway)
BTW (said in total seriousness)
This is hilarious. I know you hate wedge shoes, and I use the term ‘vacay’ almost solely to annoy you.