Yes, hi Jennilee, it’s Carl Harrison, your favorite customer. It’s nice to hear you over this drive-thru speaker once again. Look, before we get to my order, I just wanted to ask you about this new sign I’m seeing. It is advertising McDonald’s new All Day Breakfast menu. It’s my first time seeing it and, well, I guess my first question is are you fucking kidding me with this?
You’re going to have to give it to me straight, Jennilee, because if you’re serving breakfast all day long, we’ve got a legit problem on our hands. Used to be I was the only one on my co-ed volleyball team, Spikalogical Warfare, who could drag his ass out of bed early enough to secure a Sausage Biscuit with Egg. I’d roll in, casually eating my breakfast while I watched my idiot teammates cram Peanut Butter Crunch Clif Bars down their throats in between plays. They’d say, “hey, Carl, I think I’m going to get me one of those when we’re done!” And the knot of excitement would begin to twist inside my stomach as I’d get the chance to remind him, “oh, sorry man, they stop serving breakfast at 10:30am.” And I’d just watch as all hope drains from their pitiful little bodies. And they knew: this guy must have woken up at a reasonable time like a damn hero.
Or what about my dream interpretation group, Jennilee? Full of hungry looking losers who would just salivate at the sight of my Hotcakes and Sausage, wishing that they could be me. Wishing they could have the power to be grownups for once in their lives and set an alarm for a time that only has three digits in it – to make it to the drive thru window before you give them the news that they’re going to have to settle for a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. Who wants that at 10:31am? No one, that’s who. But losers take what losers can get. And toting around a Fruit ‘N Yogurt Parfait lets those jerks at the Arthurian Lore Enthusiasts of Lower Bucks County know that I’m no loser.
Sure, I GUESS I COULD just get a McGriddle. I see that’s not on your All Day Breakfast menu and therefore still subject to the 10:30am cutoff. But do you think the assholes in the Bleeding Thumb Whittling Club know the difference between a McGriddle and a McMuffin? I know the answer to that and it is no. They sure as shit do not.
I don’t know, Jennilee. Like everyone else, I’m just trying to find myself here. I don’t even know what an herbalism club is let alone why I’m in one. But to those freaks, I’m not Carl Harrison, recent divorcee and full time Lyft driver. I’m Carl Harrison, cool guy who always gets his McDonald’s breakfast and brings it places. But, you know, cool. And now that’s gone.
So what do I do now? Switch it up and get some French Toast Sticks from Burger King? Their hash browns are fucking nugget shaped. Hash brown nuggets. No one is going to respect me for those.
I don’t know. I think I’m going to have to take a break from you for a little bit, Jennilee. Figure some things out. I guess I’ll just take an Apple Pie this morning.
What do you mean I can’t get that until lunch?